XC RACE REPORT: HOLDING ON

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place." ~Unknown

Once upon a time, when I was slow(er), I used to listen to all the fast girls complain about their fast times. They didn't know that I would love to even run what they considered their bad times. And now that I am one of those fast girls, I remember that. I remember them saying how how they had a terrible race and that they completely sucked. And I remember thinking that I would do almost anything to run that time. So I will remember this as I write this post.

It was looking good coming into Tuesday's meet. We were running at a fast course about a half an hour away. The course is pretty flat and my coach is always telling us it's short. We ignore him though because the course makes us feel good. Most of the time. The day of the meet was beautiful too. The skies were blue, a pretty color with no clouds. It was also in the mid 60's so it was a lot cooler than Thursday's meet.

The only problem was, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had beaten sixteen. That has been my goal for so long, that I really didn't know what my goal for this meet should be. The girl I have been running with, was going to a different meet, and I wasn't sure about the other teams that were going to be at our meet. I wanted to do well in my race, of course, but I didn't have that one specific thing that I felt I needed to accomplish.

The varsity girls were running last, supposedly at 5:45. We arrived around 3:45 while the boy's bus had taken a right turn instead of a left, so they were not to be seen until twenty minutes later. During this time, we realized the starting line had been moved back (making the course the right length my coach said), and that we were now running at 6:10. The boy's race had been split into JV and fresh/soph, moving our times back. They made this decision about an hour before the first race, which made the guy's coach mad, and they said we had to give back out pins from our numbers, which made him even more mad. Plus, the guy's team still wasn't there, so it was getting kind of funny.

We still had awhile before our race so we just laid around camp. When the guy's finally arrived, one of them got into a huge argument with the coach, which was actually quite funny. While we were waiting, the guy's varsity team also took three large sticks and managed to put them in some kid's sweats so it looked like a person. This was absolutely hilarious. The guy's all posed with it for pictures, but even funnier was the kid's reaction after he came back from his race. It was very entertaining.

We began warming up about an hour before our race. My legs felt okay but the weather felt good. More importantly, I didn't feel like I did on Monday. It had been windy that day, so my pollen/hay fever allergies were really bothering me. My back hurt from sleeping upright most of the night and my throat hurt a little from my nose draining but I was feeling a lot better. The only thing that didn't feel okay, was how I actually felt. There are some days when you feel like running, and others when you don't. I tried to convince myself that I wanted to race, but I just wasn't feeling it.

My coach was talking to the rest of the varsity team while I was talking to my parents but he was done by the time I came over. He told me that JV and fresh/soph didn't do as well because they didn't realize that even though it was a fast course, you still have to run fast. He told me I already knew that though and I was out for blood and guts. Then as I walked away to go stretch, he told me that I was so money, I didn't even know it.

I stood on the starting line, shivering because I had just taken off my sweats, and looking at the people lining both sides of the beginning of the course. I didn't know what I wanted to do or what I could do. What I was going to do, however, was my absolute best. And then the race began.

Since I've only really raced with one of the teams at the meet, I wasn't sure where I should start out. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at all. I did not feel in control. Or relaxed. Especially when I knew AK and one of the freshmen were right behind me after a mile. Which I finished in 6:10, so it's not like I was going all that slow. But my legs weren't feeling all that fast, so this was getting me a little worried. And I knew I should be more concerned about racing other people and trying to get our team a good place, but I wasn't. I was concerned about being the first in from my team. It's not like I'd be mad at them if they beat me, but it is just something I feels like I have to do.

I was about halfway through when the freshman caught up to me and I realized AK was right behind me. I didn't focus on beating other people when this happened, I focused on beating my own teammates. I wasn't sure if I could do it though. My legs were getting tired and my upper body felt stuffed up. I was coughing up the stuff that was draining from my noise but since I'm not coordinated enough to spit while I race, it just stayed in my throat. And this is where I have to honor JS (who now has a stress fracture in each femur, she's that talented). She runs with asthma and allergies, and I haven't realized how hard it really is until I ran that race.

I stayed with my teammates during the race. AK was right behind me, so I wasn't sure how she felt, but the freshman was right beside me and she was looking strong. I wanted to slow down, to go easier. To maybe run right behind her. But I knew that if I did that, then I would just start falling back. If I got behind too far from the finish line, I would give up and I wouldn't have even a chance to beat my teammates. I knew that, so I kept going. And really, the only reason I did as well as I did, was because of my teammates. If they hadn't been there right beside me, I might have fallen apart. So in a way, I guess I have to appreciate that.

With 800m left, we were basically in the same position. I wasn't really racing anyone else besides my two teammates. And I was giving everything I could to stay with them. About 25m before we turned the corner to the finishing straight (an uphill 400m), I slipped behind the freshman. I wasn't thinking about times or places, I just thought about how I needed to beat my teammates in the last straightaway.

She was ahead of me by a little bit after we turned the corner and began making our way to the finish line. But I kept going, slowly inching my way back to her. I knew that I could pass her, but then I would have to hang on until the line. But when I did pass her, it gave me a little extra something. I was not going to let them beat me. I was going to be the first one in on our team. I wanted it so much. It was something I had to do for myself. So I dug everything out. I didn't know how far behind they were, or what time I was coming in at, or what place I was in. I just kept sprinting. Up a very long finishing straight. It didn't seem this long in our warmup but it seemed like the race just kept going on. Finally I reached the flags near the line and saw a girl in front of me. We were so close to the line, but I reached down and found a little more. I passed her near the line and then I was in the chute. I had beat my teammates. And I had finished in 15:54. Which is a second faster than last Thursday.

That race hurt. There was no smiling or marching through the chute or feeling like I could keep on running. It did not feel good. But I did it. I had made it. And I was done with my race. So I congratulated my teammates as they came out of the chute. I grabbed some water and talked to my parents. My coach came over to me and asked me how it felt. I told him it wasn't good. He said that I didn't look in control or relaxed like last week. Probably because I didn't feel that way.

I did a quick cooldown with AK (who was 8 seconds behind me and a second ahead of the freshman). Then I grabbed a cookie and a bagel before walking back to the bus. The ride home was a lot of fun. It was during this ride as I looked at the beautiful sunset, that I realized that I wouldn't get to do this much more. It's different in track because everyone else is there. But in xc when it's just my teammates and my coach, it's so much fun. I'm really going to miss that.

I don't know how I managed to run my race as fast as I did. All I know, is that it really felt like I ran my race as fast as it did. But I didn't give up and I got through it. Bringing myself just another step closer.