XC RACE REPORT: HOLDING ON

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place." ~Unknown

Once upon a time, when I was slow(er), I used to listen to all the fast girls complain about their fast times. They didn't know that I would love to even run what they considered their bad times. And now that I am one of those fast girls, I remember that. I remember them saying how how they had a terrible race and that they completely sucked. And I remember thinking that I would do almost anything to run that time. So I will remember this as I write this post.

It was looking good coming into Tuesday's meet. We were running at a fast course about a half an hour away. The course is pretty flat and my coach is always telling us it's short. We ignore him though because the course makes us feel good. Most of the time. The day of the meet was beautiful too. The skies were blue, a pretty color with no clouds. It was also in the mid 60's so it was a lot cooler than Thursday's meet.

The only problem was, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I had beaten sixteen. That has been my goal for so long, that I really didn't know what my goal for this meet should be. The girl I have been running with, was going to a different meet, and I wasn't sure about the other teams that were going to be at our meet. I wanted to do well in my race, of course, but I didn't have that one specific thing that I felt I needed to accomplish.

The varsity girls were running last, supposedly at 5:45. We arrived around 3:45 while the boy's bus had taken a right turn instead of a left, so they were not to be seen until twenty minutes later. During this time, we realized the starting line had been moved back (making the course the right length my coach said), and that we were now running at 6:10. The boy's race had been split into JV and fresh/soph, moving our times back. They made this decision about an hour before the first race, which made the guy's coach mad, and they said we had to give back out pins from our numbers, which made him even more mad. Plus, the guy's team still wasn't there, so it was getting kind of funny.

We still had awhile before our race so we just laid around camp. When the guy's finally arrived, one of them got into a huge argument with the coach, which was actually quite funny. While we were waiting, the guy's varsity team also took three large sticks and managed to put them in some kid's sweats so it looked like a person. This was absolutely hilarious. The guy's all posed with it for pictures, but even funnier was the kid's reaction after he came back from his race. It was very entertaining.

We began warming up about an hour before our race. My legs felt okay but the weather felt good. More importantly, I didn't feel like I did on Monday. It had been windy that day, so my pollen/hay fever allergies were really bothering me. My back hurt from sleeping upright most of the night and my throat hurt a little from my nose draining but I was feeling a lot better. The only thing that didn't feel okay, was how I actually felt. There are some days when you feel like running, and others when you don't. I tried to convince myself that I wanted to race, but I just wasn't feeling it.

My coach was talking to the rest of the varsity team while I was talking to my parents but he was done by the time I came over. He told me that JV and fresh/soph didn't do as well because they didn't realize that even though it was a fast course, you still have to run fast. He told me I already knew that though and I was out for blood and guts. Then as I walked away to go stretch, he told me that I was so money, I didn't even know it.

I stood on the starting line, shivering because I had just taken off my sweats, and looking at the people lining both sides of the beginning of the course. I didn't know what I wanted to do or what I could do. What I was going to do, however, was my absolute best. And then the race began.

Since I've only really raced with one of the teams at the meet, I wasn't sure where I should start out. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at all. I did not feel in control. Or relaxed. Especially when I knew AK and one of the freshmen were right behind me after a mile. Which I finished in 6:10, so it's not like I was going all that slow. But my legs weren't feeling all that fast, so this was getting me a little worried. And I knew I should be more concerned about racing other people and trying to get our team a good place, but I wasn't. I was concerned about being the first in from my team. It's not like I'd be mad at them if they beat me, but it is just something I feels like I have to do.

I was about halfway through when the freshman caught up to me and I realized AK was right behind me. I didn't focus on beating other people when this happened, I focused on beating my own teammates. I wasn't sure if I could do it though. My legs were getting tired and my upper body felt stuffed up. I was coughing up the stuff that was draining from my noise but since I'm not coordinated enough to spit while I race, it just stayed in my throat. And this is where I have to honor JS (who now has a stress fracture in each femur, she's that talented). She runs with asthma and allergies, and I haven't realized how hard it really is until I ran that race.

I stayed with my teammates during the race. AK was right behind me, so I wasn't sure how she felt, but the freshman was right beside me and she was looking strong. I wanted to slow down, to go easier. To maybe run right behind her. But I knew that if I did that, then I would just start falling back. If I got behind too far from the finish line, I would give up and I wouldn't have even a chance to beat my teammates. I knew that, so I kept going. And really, the only reason I did as well as I did, was because of my teammates. If they hadn't been there right beside me, I might have fallen apart. So in a way, I guess I have to appreciate that.

With 800m left, we were basically in the same position. I wasn't really racing anyone else besides my two teammates. And I was giving everything I could to stay with them. About 25m before we turned the corner to the finishing straight (an uphill 400m), I slipped behind the freshman. I wasn't thinking about times or places, I just thought about how I needed to beat my teammates in the last straightaway.

She was ahead of me by a little bit after we turned the corner and began making our way to the finish line. But I kept going, slowly inching my way back to her. I knew that I could pass her, but then I would have to hang on until the line. But when I did pass her, it gave me a little extra something. I was not going to let them beat me. I was going to be the first one in on our team. I wanted it so much. It was something I had to do for myself. So I dug everything out. I didn't know how far behind they were, or what time I was coming in at, or what place I was in. I just kept sprinting. Up a very long finishing straight. It didn't seem this long in our warmup but it seemed like the race just kept going on. Finally I reached the flags near the line and saw a girl in front of me. We were so close to the line, but I reached down and found a little more. I passed her near the line and then I was in the chute. I had beat my teammates. And I had finished in 15:54. Which is a second faster than last Thursday.

That race hurt. There was no smiling or marching through the chute or feeling like I could keep on running. It did not feel good. But I did it. I had made it. And I was done with my race. So I congratulated my teammates as they came out of the chute. I grabbed some water and talked to my parents. My coach came over to me and asked me how it felt. I told him it wasn't good. He said that I didn't look in control or relaxed like last week. Probably because I didn't feel that way.

I did a quick cooldown with AK (who was 8 seconds behind me and a second ahead of the freshman). Then I grabbed a cookie and a bagel before walking back to the bus. The ride home was a lot of fun. It was during this ride as I looked at the beautiful sunset, that I realized that I wouldn't get to do this much more. It's different in track because everyone else is there. But in xc when it's just my teammates and my coach, it's so much fun. I'm really going to miss that.

I don't know how I managed to run my race as fast as I did. All I know, is that it really felt like I ran my race as fast as it did. But I didn't give up and I got through it. Bringing myself just another step closer.

XC RACE REPORT: THE REAL THING

"There is a moment in every race. A moment where you can either quit, fold, or say to yourself "I can do this." ~Gatorade Ad

I have always wondered what it would be like to accomplish what I did today. I have thought about how it would happen, where it would happen, and when it would happen. I have thought about what it would feel like when I finally did it. What I now know is this, the real thing is way better than anything my imagination could come up with.

When I wake up on race days, I evalute how my legs feel before I even get out of bed. They happened to feel good on this particular Thursday. And when I saw that scattered showers were in the forcast, they felt even better. It seemed like everyone was helping me get ready to run fast at my meet however. We had tortellini at lunch as it continued to be a lovely day of rain and clouds outside. They played my songs on the radio and Fabian Cancellara flew to the world time trial championships win. Even as the sun came out outside, it remained cool. All these events just accumulated to my feeling of 'I can do this'.

Today's meet was on our home course. The course that I have ran so many practices and meets at. The course that holds so many memories. But I wanted to add another memory. I wanted to break 16. I came close two weeks ago but I wanted the full accomplishment this time. Last week, I almost didn't want to break 16 because I wanted it to happen here. At home. It would mean so much more if I could finally break 16 and have it happen at my home course. Not because of who would be there, it's not like more people really come and watch us. I just wanted it to happen on my course.

I arrived at 4:15 for our 5:20 race. The JV/fresh soph race was combined, making our start time earlier. We were also allowed to run 10 on varsity, because only 8 teams were at the meet. This meant JS could have another chance to run varsity, even though she was our 8th fastest. This was such a weird coincidence that we agreed it was meant to be.

We ran the first part of the course as our warmup, doing a combination of walking and running. My legs were feeling pretty good, but I wasn't sure if that was just the adrenaline. More importantly, I was looking forward to the race. Positive feelings affect my running more than you might think. It was during our warmup however, that we noticed something was missing. Something important. Portapotties. There is only a couple of things that are needed for an xc meet: a field/golf course/park, white spray painted lines, a golf cart/atv/other vehicle to lead the runners, and portapotties. This meant that all the runners would have to use two different park bathrooms. One of them had only a half wall separating the toilets that faced the door, and the other had actually stalls but without the doors. Obviously, more male designed bathrooms.

Once we had gone on our bathroom adventure, we returned to camp and began stretching. I was stretching my calves against a tree when my coach came up to me to give me my number. He told me he had a surprise for me and pulled out the number one. I was going to wear number one. This was so incredibly cool. AK got thto wear 7, the second best number. I figured I had better honor my number in some way though because it might just give me an extra bit of luck.

It was sunny and kind of warm as we stood on the starting line. We were in an outside box (again) and I was on the edge. One of my teammates offered to trade with me so I wouldn't have to cut in as much, but I declined her offer. Number one should start at the beginning of the line afterall. And so the race began.

My coach had told us to start out a little slower so I wasn't concerned about being towards the front in the beginning. The girl that I ran with before was way ahead of me but I was just moving up slowly. We can all run the first mile afterall but it's the last 1.5 where you have to hang on. In spite of this, I ran my first 800 in 2:57. I then held myself back a little as we ran through the crowds along the trees. As we ran the first two loops, I did not fall. This was especially good because people were lined up on both sides to watch. Even though there were fewer teams here, it seemed like there was even more people. There was even a guy with some sort of drum or bell that was very loud but wasn't very appreciated. We left him behind however when we crossed the bridge and ran up the hill in the TdF style crowd. Throughout the first mile though, I just kept repeating to myself, sixteen, sixteen.

My first mile was done in about 6:10. I didn't start out that much slower but my legs still felt good. I was determined to make the second mile better than it had been two weeks ago. I was going to remember my goal every step. Sixteen, sixteen. Or rather, under sixteen.

The second mile was ran near the girl I have been running with. Instead of being content to run behind her, I focused on moving up past her. I was doing this when I passed a group of girls from another school. They were cheering for someone else when one of them noticed my number. Because there were no other people around, besides those racing around me, I could clearly hear them as they yelled "Look she's number one. Oh cool, she's number one. Go number one! Gooo number one!" I don't know who these people were or what school they were from, but I greatly appreciated their cheering. It made me feel just a little bit more special and helped me run even faster.

I ran back over the bridge and was past the crowds when I could hear my coach yelling from a distance. He wasn't yelling advice, just my name and telling my I was doing a great job. Just something like "Come on, come on, you're doing great. Atta kid". This, combined with the fact that I was going to everything I could to beat 16, made me pass the girl that I had been running with. I have ran behind her, next to her, and slightly ahead of her, but this time, I just left her behind. I concentrated on the group that was about ten or fifteen seconds ahead of me. I had to get under sixteen minutes.

I ran up a short steep corner hill and a long, flat, slightly downhill part before I reached the two mile mark. At 12:59. I don't think I have ever reached that point so fast before. But that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking about how I would have to run my last 800 about as fast as my first 800 to beat sixteen. This seemed almost impossible. I wasn't sure if I could do it. But then I thought to myself, I'm already two miles in and I'm going to have to do it sometime. And I wanted it. I wanted to beat sixteen so badly. So I was going to do everything possible to make it to the line in under sixteen minutes. I was going to do everything I could.

I took off after the two mile marker. I didn't think about how long I had to go, or how fast I had to go. I just thought about breaking sixteen. I was sprinting with all I had left when the girl I had been running with during the rest of the race caught up to me. We were about 600m before the line and sprinting with everthing we had. But it was then I realized that we weren't really racing each other. I actually didn't really care if she beat me, as long as I beat the clock. And because this was the 16:00.07 girl, I have to say that she might've felt the same way.

I was slightly ahead of her when we entered the finishing loop. Some guy cheered for me and then told me that I was in 8th place. As I heard the cheering for the winners, I realized that I was going to have my first top ten finish in a varsity cross country race. But I really didn't care about that. I cared about my time. Sixteen, sixteen.

I entered the finishing straight with one lone girl ahead of me. I did not think about beating her when I passed her. I thought about the clock. And how much I wanted it. So when my legs screamed at me to stop and my tired body told me to slow down, I just told myself that it was only for a little bit longer. And I reminded myself what this meant to me, how long I had worked towards breaking that barrier. When my dad shouted out "15:29, you have to go faster" or something like that, I went faster. I wasn't sure where the people were behind me. I wasn't sure if I would make it. But I gave everything. Absolutely everything. And I crossed the finish line to see those beautiful numbers on my watch. 15:54. As in fifteen minutes. As in, I had just broken sixteen minutes. I looked down at my watch a couple of seconds later to make sure that I hadn't seen it wrong. I didn't want it to be really close to sixteen, where my official time could be different and over sixteen. But when I looked down at my watch again, it said 15:57. I had done it. I broke sixteen.

I had a huge smile on my face as I marched through the chute and tore the tag of my number one. I wanted to scream and shout and tell everyone what I had just done. Instead, I kept on smiling. The winner of the race, whose name is spoken with admiration on our team, congratulated me. I stayed and congratulated my own teammates as they came out of the chute. I told JS about what I had just done and she gave me a high five. My coach came over to me and told me that I looked strong, relaxed, and in control during my race. He then asked what my time was and I told him it was under sixteen minutes. And then I walked back to camp with a smile on my face.

"I think I did it" was what I said to my parents when I walked towards them. They knew what I had been trying to do. My teammates all congratulated me afterwards. I then changed into my shoes and went with AK to do my cooldown. We only ran and walked about a mile. My legs felt like they could keep going though and I was going pretty fast. I was so excited, I wanted to keep on running.

There was popsicles waiting for us at camp when we got back. I waited to have one until my coach came over to me and told me my official time. 15:55. Fifteen minutes and fifty five seconds. A lot of fives but no sixes. I had officially broken sixteen minutes. And in the process of doing so, I took 7th place overall and received a ribbon. My team had taken fourth, finally beating the rich, parochial kids with the nice cars (as my coach called them) from down the street.

I wanted to break sixteen minutes. I wanted it so much, that I ran the last 800 faster than the first 800. When I looked down at my watch, to see 15:54, it was worth it. And that is why I run those long miles in the summer and winter. For that feeling. That feeling of accomplishment, achievement, and happiness. Knowing that I did it. Knowing that I had finally broke sixteen.

XC RACE REPORT: JUST RUN. DON'T FALL.

In honor of Jens Voigt, I gave a tribute at my cross country meet. It is his 38th birthday afterall (although I did think it was the 19th until I double checked) but apparently my body knew it and felt it had to honor him in some way. I didn't have an epic run, I didn't break 16, I didn't feel amazing, although I might've had my mask of pain on. There are so many ways that I could've honored him in my race so I could've chose a different one. But I didn't. Instead, I fell. As in faceplant on the ground. During my race. It wasn't as bad as Jens' crash in the Tour this year, but it was incredibly embarrassing.

We left for the meet 15 minutes late, at 2:45 because two stupid freshmen forgot to leave early. I'm not sure how, because I always glanced at the clock every five minutes until I could leave. I had to make sure to eat a lot on the hour bus ride because I did not want to get hungry. I ate granola bars and did math homework until we arrived. To find that the tree we usually camped by had been cut down and that they didn't have free colorful shoelaces.


My teammates and I cheered everyone on until it was time to warmup. One of our fresh/soph girls won her race which is awesome and puts her back on varsity, which should make her feel good. JS and I warmed up separately because everyone had left while we were waiting in line for the portapotties (the other bathrooms had no doors, who makes girl's restrooms with no doors? the answer would probably have to be guys). It was pretty warm out, in the 70's and sunny. My legs were feeling okay but not great. I kept telling myself to just run though because it's been kind of a hectic week. I didn't run on Monday because I spent the day on a visit to Iowa State. My legs weren't feeling the best on the two days before this meet either. I wanted to ignore that though. I wanted to block everything else out and just run.


We were in the inside box at the starting line. Our team seems to get the end boxes a lot, so it doesn't bother me that much. I tried to get out fast at the start, which is something I've been working on, so I was towards the front. My legs were feeling okay, nothing special was in them. I really wanted to beat 16 though so I kept telling myself to fight every single step. My first mile was in 6:08. Before we get to the first mile mark, we run around a small pond and every year there's people playing music on the drums when we run by. It makes the course a little more fun. The course had been changed a little, so about halfway through we didn't make the extra loop that I thought we did. This threw me off a little but it made it seem shorter. I then ran through a really small, short ditch that made me incredibly tired. I was only halfway through but there was something about that ditch that my legs didn't like. I was slowing down a little bit but I continued to fight.

About 100m later, we ran right next to a row of trees. They were full grown trees with large roots that went onto the course. I was running on the left side, closest to the trees, when I gracefully tripped over a tree root and fell on my face. It seemed to happen really quickly, like all of a sudden I was on the ground. I remember saying something like "oh crap" and then getting back up, hoping nobody from my school saw me, because it was very embarrassing. I had been running ahead of a few girls and they were beside me when I got up. There was about four or five of them and most of them said something to me like "good job" or "keep going" or something. I sprinted ahead, while looking for people from my school and hoping that they didn't see what I had just done. I felt like a total idiot. I was just really surprised because I went down and got up so quickly. I certainly didn't expect to do a faceplant during my race.

I was trying to assess my injuries while catching up to the girls that I had been running with. My palms stung and so did my elbows. My right hip and knee hurt where I had landed on them. I was hoping that I was bleeding anywhere so no one would notice that I had fallen. I didn't want to look though, because that might have discouraged me. My thoughts weren't even on finishing the race anymore, all I could think about was how I had fallen.

I knew that I was going a lot slower towards the end but my legs just didn't have the extra bit of something special. I'm not sure what it was, but I just didn't feel it. I crossed the little ditch for the second time and it exhausted me. I had about a half mile to go and I knew I had to do something. I just kept telling myself to fight every single step, which is what I didn't do at our Saturday meet. My teammates were catching up behind me and my legs were getting tired but I fought every step. And I didn't fall when I went by the trees the second time.

The finish line was downhill and I didn't let anyone pass me. I finished in 16:29, which isn't that good. I can't blame it all on my fall either, because my legs were tired and not feeling it during the race. I finished in 25th place but my teammates were only seconds behind. I congratulated AK and one of the freshman who had finished near me. Another of the freshman was upset because people had passed her in the chute and she didn't know what to do about it. I tried to calm her down while talking with some of my teammates and making sure they hadn't seen me fall. They made me feel a little better while I was waiting for JS to finish. She was the last person on varsity to come and she took off for camp right afterwards. I knew that she was going to cooldown by herself because she was upset so I talked to a few of my other teammates. One of them couldn't stop laughing when I told her that I had tripped but then we all started laughing about it once they kept telling me it was because I was running so fast. I did come to the conclusion though, that none of my teammates, my coach, or my dad had seen me fall. This made me feel a little better but I was kind of upset about my time. I left my mark on the course though, which I had been trying to do.

AK and I began cooling down together. We talked about the race and then we talked about JS. I had just realized that she had ran the 8th fastest time on our team which meant she might not get to run varsity at the next meet. My coach really likes her though and as AK said, it would crush her. And that was when we walked up a hill and saw her sitting by herself on the ground with her arms around her knees and her head down. We stopped for a second and I looked at her, and the course under the setting sun, and the other people cooling down in the distance. It made me feel so sad. This is the part of cross country, of any sport, that you don't see. Where everything doesn't work out. And which some people will never understand.

AK and I began to walk again, trying to figure out what to do. We didn't think she had seen us so we could just keep walking. We had walked past her down the hill where we were getting close to our other teammates, when I turned around and walked back up the hill to sit next to JS. At that moment, I had to stop being her teammate and start being her friend. I knew that I would have wanted someone beside me. AK and I sat next to her for awhile, not saying anything because we didn't know what to say. JS finally told us that she was going to go walk by herself so we went back to camp. We got our subway and got back on the bus for the ride home. AK and I sat in the back and we had a lot of fun talking with some of our teammates. We seemed to talk about everything except the race.

I'm not sure what to think about this race. My legs felt like they were missing something and then I gracefully fell on my face. My right knee has some scrapes on it, and my left knee and right arm have some bruises. I kind of like my battle wounds in a way. They remind me of the time during spring break, earlier this year, when I scraped up my right leg when I tripped while running by myself. They're just another part of running. What worried me a little more was my legs. They were just missing something. My attitude during the race did become a lot better, in the way I kept fighting. This race was certainly a different one though and it leaves me a another goal. To not fall.

XC RACE REPORT: GETTING CLOSER

"Life is not having and getting, but being and becoming." ~Matthew Arnold

The goal of this meet was to break 16:00. It was my home course and my legs felt good. It was only 75 degrees and one of my friends was coming to watch us. Everything seemed to be working right, I felt like I could actually break 16:00. But I didn't.

I was supposed to run at 6:15 so I had a couple of hours to wait after school. I cannot do homework before a meet, except if it involves math, so the wait was spent staring at the wall and thinking about my meet. Not the most productive use of time but I just can't concentrate on homework.

My mom dropped me off at the course because there's usually nowhere to park. We picked up my senior photo proofs before hand but I still arrived a little early at 4:45. I had to walk aways before I got to our camp which was where my coach and the guy's coach had parked their trucks in the grass, right next to the course. While I was walking there, I could see all of the colorful tents amongst the trees and surrounded by people. It was a sight that could only happen in cross country, but one I have seen many times before. It is sometimes these little moments that make me begin to miss cross country, even more than I already do.

There was four of us on varsity who started warming up at 5:05, which was earlier than ususal. I know every bit of this course so I didn't need to worry about where we were going. I know where the low tree branches are and where geese gather by the pond. This course is so full of memories but I was ready to make a new one. My legs were even feeling so much better than Saturday's meet, which was good because I intended to redeem myself at this meet.

As I stood on the starting line, waiting for the gun to go off, I was actually excited. I wanted to race. That moment is usually full of panic and doubts but for some reason I was confident in myself. I could look at the line of people stretching along both sides of where the course began and believe that I could do this.

The gun went off and the race began. The course is ideal for spectating because it begins with two loops similar to a track, in which people can run between. There is always people lined up along the straightaways in these loops screaming and yelling. It's hard to hear what anyone is saying but it's awesome anyways. It makes it feel like the race matters. It gets better when the course crosses a bridge and goes up a slight hill before turning the corner. People line up all the way from the bridge to the top of the hill and they're all cheering. It reminds me of the mountains in the Tour. Only without the flags and the costumes.

I finished the first mile in 6:04. I felt like I started out a little too fast but I was keeping up with a girl from another team that I had wanted to run with. My legs were still feeling pretty good but the next part of the course is the biggest challenge. For about half a mile, the course winds through a flat part and then up and down a slight hill before heading through trees and crossing back over the bridge. There's really nothing difficult about the makeup of the course, it's the fact that there is no one there. There is no one cheering or yelling at you to go faster. There is no one telling you what to do. You have to make the decision to go faster, without anyone influencing you. This is the realest part of cross country, when the only sounds are of feet pounding and people breathing hard. This is where the race becomes mental, when you decide how much you want it.

I was halfway through this part, just before the hill, when I realized that I had been telling myself to slow down because my legs hurt. I then told myself that duh, of course my legs hurt, because this was a race. The girl that I wanted to run with was a couple of steps in front of me but I began closing down the small gap. I knew that this part of the course was where each person made the decision of how much they wanted it. I decided that I wanted it, I wanted to break 16:00. So I ran faster.

After crossing back over the bridge, I had caught back up with the girl as people lined the course again. We ran side by side for awhile. In a way, we were both helping ourselves and the other person at the same time. Without her, I might not have ran as fast but I was also pushing her to keep going.

During this time, my coach was getting pretty excited. Instead of saying good job or keep up with those girls or something similar, he had changed his yelling. He was saying "come on kid, you're doing great". He kept calling me kid instead of my name. It was a little weird but I kind of liked it because it made me feel like I had moved up in my status ranking. Like he was believing in me even more.

After two miles, the girl had moved a little in front of me and another girl was right beside me. The three of us ran the rest of the race together. The two other girls had moved ahead of me and they stayed that way through the last straightaway. I told myself that even if I could beat them to the finish line, I would make sure no one else would pass me before the finish line. I kept that promise as I crossed the line. In over 16 minutes.

I received a yellow ribbon for 27th place out of 126 girls. As I got out of the chute, it seemed like everyone else had people to greet them except me. I stood there waiting to congratulate my teammates. Four of the girls had come in close together but they left to go back to our camp right away. I waited for JS to leave the chute because I knew that she really wanted to do well in this race. And I knew that she didn't do as well as she had wanted. I walked back to camp behind her and I couldn't think of who we were missing. It turns out the our 7th member had a really bad race and came in at over 18:00. I felt bad for her because my coach said she couldn't run varsity during the next race, even though he probably knew that it was just one bad race. He did take the top seven times though, so I guess that is fair.

I did not break 16:00 in this race. I finished in 16:05. I was probably happier than the girl I had ran most of the race with though, because she had finished in 16:00.07. I actually feel bad for her and I hope she breaks the barrier soon, as I hope to do. The race did go okay for me though. I might not have gotten the time I really wanted, but I was 61 seconds faster than Saturday. I showed everyone that it was just a bad race at that meet. I was ready to run fast again and my coach was proud of how I did. I do think that I could have handled the mental aspect of the race a little better, especially when there was no one around to cheer, but I am proud of how I did. The race made me feel a lot better because I showed myself that I was ready to race again.

BELIEVE

On Monday, we ran hard and fast at practice. I gained a lot of my confidence back. We did 5 800's with 200m running rest in between. I finished 200m ahead of the people behind me and lapped almost everybody not on varsity. I wanted to show everyone that I can run fast. So I did.

My coach later asked me about Saturday's meet when I was done. We agreed that it was just a bad day. The most important thing he said was that he wasn't scared. He believes in me. And now I'm starting to do the same.

JENS IS BACK!!

And he is in Missouri. Which means on Saturday, he will be about four hours away from me. So close, yet so far away. Also in that bordering state are big George, Cav, and Thor Hushovd. And they will get as close as four hours. So, so close. At least Jens Voigt is riding again. And is back to himself.

XC RACE REPORT: THE OTHER SIDE

"If I could just see you
Everything would be alright"
~"Storm" by Lifehouse

"The sweat and tears
You can channel all of your fears
Open your eyes, your eyes
Indeed it will be alright"
~"Dreamer" by Chris Brown

As much as I don't want to write about this race, I will. Because it's not only the good that makes up cross country, it's also the bad. But before I write about this, I want to say that I'm not really angry or sad. I'm disappointed.

Our team was supposed to meet at school at 7:45 this morning to travel to a meet two hours away. I woke up at 6:30 feeling a little tired. I went to a football game last night which might not have been the best idea but I still got some sleep. Plus, even though my legs were tired and sore from our meet on Tuesday, I had been trying to run a little easier, at least when warming up and cooling down.I wasn't sure how my legs would feel after the meet and a week of practices but they didn't feel that bad this morning.

My friend JS was the last one to arrive for the bus (and it was a charter bus, how awesome) so we were the last ones to get on. We somehow seem to always be the last ones on for some reason, so we had to sit behind our coach and the guy's coach. The bus ride was a little long but fun. I ate snacks until 9:45 because our coach told us we were going to run at 12:00. I didn't want to get hungry during my race but I didn't want to eat too close to the race.

We arrived in the parking lot at around 10:00. Then we had to walk practically half the course just to get to the starting line. Our coach had told us that the course was flat and that we'd have some good times here but from what we walked, it was pretty hilly. The guy's college race was just beginning when we got to the starting line and set up camp. There was lots of people everywhere because there was so many different teams. A lot of small teams were there but there was also some large, pretty good teams.

At around 10:45, the varsity team discovered that we were not running at 12:00. That is when JV ran, we were running at 12:30 but our coach had told us the wrong time. I was okay with this since I was beginning to not want to do this meet. I just wasn't feeling it. When my coach called the rest of varsity over and told them to run together it made me feel a little more confident because he said that I would be ahead of them.

JS and I started walking the course (which was basically all uphill or downhill) backwards so she could loosen up her legs and we could figure out where we were going. We didn't make it back in time to warmup with the others so we did a little running on our own. Except we ended up at the finish line (uphill). When we had started at the finish line. Which created a little bit of a problem. By that time though, it was getting warm out and closer to our race. We began at the starting line (uphill) and ran a little more until we found out where the course went. Then we stretched for a bit until we found out the meet was running behind. As in the JV girls started at 12:24 and not 12:00. As in, we weren't started at 12:30 either. Which was also okay with me, because I really wasn't feeling it, I wasn't very excited.

We were doing strides at the starting line when my coach came over. He told us, among other things, that the race really started at the top of a long, gradual hill, which was about a mile in. And then he told us to have fun. So I stood at the line and took off when the gun was shot off. I ran up the uphill start and then down the downhill. I made my way near the front with girls that I had finished with at our first meet. Even though my legs didn't want to. They were telling me that I wouldn't be able to keep up this pace. But I didn't listen, because that's part of cross country. Telling your body to shut up and do what you tell it, as Jens Voigt would say.

I made it to the top of the hill, were my coach said the race actually started, in a 6:22 mile. It was a harder hill then it seemed and it was only one of the first of many. And I was tired. My legs were so tired. I had 1.5 miles to go and I was beginning to hit the wall.

There was not many points during the race that really stood out for me. I was just slowly, slowing down. I knew I was too. But it was like I couldn't do anything about it. My legs couldn't go, they didn't have enough energy. And so, as people passed me (and many did) I let them go because I was just going to run my own steady pace. And I was beginning not to care. I just wanted to get this over with. All the while I was slowing down.

There was a steep hill on the course that was not really necessary and very mean. It was towards the middle/end and I knew it was coming up. The little hills were really tiring me out so I wasn't sure how I would get up this hill. I knew it was coming and when I saw it, I knew that I had to get up it somehow and that it didn't matter if I had good form or not, I was getting up it as fast as I could and then moving on. I made it over the hill but I was still getting slower. And I knew my teammates were closing in behind. But I was caring less and less. I didn't even care when my coach was yelling at me that I needed to start something right now. Because I had nothing left.

Somehow, I made it to where the flags began, about 400-600m before the finish line. I'm not even sure how I really got there but I did. Coaches were yelling all over the place for kids to move up. And I let them pass me. I just didn't have anything in my legs to go with them, I hadn't since the first mile. I was just so tired.

When my first teammate passed me, I was prepared. Kind off. I knew that I had been slowing down a lot but I wasn't sure exactly how much because I didn't want to look at my watch and be discouraged anymore. Usually, when my teammates come near me, I try to go with them and at least keep up with them for awhile, putting up some kind of fight. I let her go by. I let the next one go by. I didn't begin sprinting because my legs were screaming no at me. But when we turned the corner and the finish line was about 200m away, I knew I had to do something. I knew that I had at least two teammates right behind me and I wasn't going to let any more of them beat me. So I took everything I had left and ran, not letting anyone else pass me before the line. That wonderful line that told me I could rest even if I did run 17:06, almost a minute slower than the first meet. My calves cramped up because I was racing in my spikes but it still felt good. At least my legs felt better. But I didn't. Because I didn't do what I was supposed to do, what I had to do.

By the time I had gotten out of the chute, I was very upset. I wanted to lay down on the grass and cry. But I didn't. I got water for JS, who was about to fall over, and myself. I congratulated all my teammates, those who passed me, and those I had managed to keep ahead of. I played the good team member but it was hard. I smiled and told everyone they did a good job. But I was so disappointed in myself. So disappointed. But I sat there and drank my water. And watched my coach walk around and congratulate everyone on the team except me. He didn't talk to me. Part of me knew that I deserved it, that I didn't earn it. The other part of me just wanted him to say something, anything because I had really done what I could during the race. But of course he didn't. He didn't say anything.

JS and I walked around part of the course together as our cooldown. I was glad to get away from the team because I was upset with myself. And JS would know that and she would understand because she's be dealing with running problems of her own. She listened to me while I found the words to say that my legs just didn't have the energy to run. She listened to me and basically told me that it was okay. And then we made up our own excuses, even though I don't like excuses, even though I had told myself earlier that there was going to be no excuses, because I needed something to tell my family, to tell others. But I couldn't tell them to myself. I know the result of the race is mine, whether bad or good.

I went home with my family so I didn't have to face a two hour bus ride with a coach who didn't talk to me. Or a team that did pretty good. I'm not sure I could've been the good teammate for two hours after the meet. As I rode home though, my iPod seemed to know how I felt. It was playing just the songs I needed. On the TV, later today, was just the movie I needed. One of my favorites, the Sound of Music.

I'm still disappointed in myself though. Because, as I tell myself over and over, there are no excuses. If my legs were tired and sore after our first meet, then I could've taken it easy at practice. I could've done more, or rather less, during the workouts. I didn't have to be so competitive at practice. But I really wanted to do something really good at the meet. Instead, I'm a little mad and a little sad. Partly because I let my teammates beat me, partly because I let other teams beat me, partly because of my time. But mostly I am disappointed because I didn't do what I was supposed to. I let my family down, my teammates, my coach, and most of all, I let myself down.

XC RACE REPORT: THE LAST FIRST MEET

"Even the wrong words seem to rhyme." ~"Collide" by Howie Day

My last first cross country meet. My last high school cross country season is officially beginning. So this was the meet where I wanted to do something special. Something that would make me smile. I wanted to show everyone how fast I could run after working so hard to get that fast. Something good.

This was the last time I will run at the place my first ever meet took place. The meet where it was over 95 degrees without the heat index and four people were taken to the hospital. The meet where a kid next to our camp was being given oxygen, there were four or five ambulances, and multiple fire trucks and police cars. The place that welcomed me to cross country.

I was nervous all day, as I usually am so I couldn't concentrate at school. I wasn't freaking out as I thought I would, but most of what I thought about had to do with the meet. My legs were feeling pretty good but I was still a little nervous. The first meet is always different because it's the first meet. This is when we find out exactly how fast everyone is. Who can run what. Not just on other teams, but in your own team. I wanted to be the fastest from my school. I'd like my teammates to be fast, especially AK and JS because their my best friends on the team, but I want to be faster. I wanted to make my coach proud. I wanted to make myself proud. I wanted to run a race that would make my last first meet a good one. So this wasn't just any race.

I got lost twice going to the school where the meet was being held. I was driving myself and it's not like I know that area well. I usually am good with directions so it might have been me being nervous. I ended up getting there a couple minutes before 4:35, when we were going to warm up. I was running at 5:35, in the middle of the meet. The weather was actually okay, only about 70 degrees; sunny with blue skies and white fluffy clouds.


We ran and walked one lap of the course. Two laps makes it the full 4k, including a hill that you go up twice each lap, and part of the track that is where you finish. It's not a bad course, just one that sucks in the heat because there's no shade. There is a steep and short little hill in one place that is short enough to sprint up but steep enough to hurt your legs. The other hill isn't that bad, it's just a matter of getting up it.


As we watched the fresh/soph race finish, I began getting very nervous. Two of the freshmen, who were supposed to run around 18:00, both ran under 17:00. My coach told me, AK, and JS that we should run around 17:00. I would have to run under 17:00 just to beat the freshmen. The pressure was on.

Our race started five minutes late because the fresh/soph boys race started late. My legs were feeling pretty good but I was still a little nervous. Before I walked over to the starting line to do strides with my teammates, my coach came over and high fived me. He told me that he thought I could run 16:20. I'm not sure he knew that my PR was 16:24. It gave me a little extra confidence though. After he said this to me, I turned around and started walking again. Then he said, wait, one more thing. He told me to have fun. He is definately not the kind of coach to say that. At all. But when he said that to me, he meant it. It made me remember what I was doing out there in the first place. To have fun.

We were in box three, on the right side. And I was ready. The first race of the season. My last first cross country race. And so the race started.

It's only about 200m before you hit the main hill so everyone is bunched up and elbowing each other. I ran along the outside, in the longer grass, with AK so we could pass people. Going down the hill, I passed AK and kept moving up. My legs wanted to race. And so I kept going.

There's a part of the course that loops around a soccer field. There was a sign by the field that said "this is not a practice field". I'm not sure why it was there but it reminded me that this was not practice. This was a meet. And that I needed to impress some people, to prove something.


Around that same field, after the short steep hill that takes the course next to the road, there wasn't really anyone there. It was quiet, with the only sounds being everyone's ragged breathing and feet hitting the ground. It becomes a different kind of race, but one that I love all the same. It seems more real, like a true race. Truly one person against another and against themselves.

After going back up and down the main hill, I hit the crowds. My first mile was done somewhere around 6:18. Doing the math, I figured that was around 16:00. I became worried that I started out too fast. But my coach was just telling me to move up. So I made my way around the track and started lap two. My last lap around the course.

Lap two began while running through crowds. It's always loud and you can't really understand what anyone is yelling, but it's still awesome. The people were lined up all the way to the hill. But there was someone standing at the bottom of the hill cheering me on that made me smile, like all the freshmen did during their races when we cheered them on (one girl actually posed and gave us a peace sign, but we won't talk too much about that). One of the fastest, if not the fastest, distance runner that went to my school. She graduated about four years ago, but she comes back to practices sometimes or shows up at our meets. She is the distance legend at my school and she was cheering me on at the bottom of the hill during my last first cross country race. That made me smile. And then I ran on.

After going down the hill and crossing a ditch, my legs didn't seem to have as much of that fast feeling. Which made sense, because I was running really fast. And because I could see about five members of the team who won the meet last year (and scored 22 points, only one more than the lowest possible) ahead of me. I was getting tired by the time I ran up the short steep hill. But my coach was yelling at me that I was having an awesome race. So I was going to finish it awesomely.

As I ran up the hill on the course for the last time, my legs were tired. They hurt. But I was almost done. And I wasn't going to give up. So when after coming down the hill, a girl passed me and seemed to be going much stronger, I did not let her just pass me. I hung on to her, fighting every single step. I knew there were people close behind me, people that wanted to beat me. As I hit the track for the last 100m, running around that curve for the last time in cross country, I ran. Fast. The girl was ahead of me and going to beat me, but that didn't mean I was going to let anyone pass me. So with 50m left, after leaving it all on the course, having spent all my energy multiple times, I found something. I was not going to let someone pass me. And no one did. And when I looked down at my watch after crossing the finish line, it said 16:11. 16:11. Which would be a PR for me. At the first race of the season.

My principal congratulated me as I went to get water by the fence around the track. I stood there by myself, waiting for my teammates, my coach, my family. I congratulated my teammates, gave my coach a high five, and talked to my family. It felt good after those minutes of agony, as JS describes our races.

During our cooldown, I said goodbye to the course. When I looked over the course, on top of the hill, it made me miss it. Girls in all different colored uniforms were strung out all over, in a brightly colored line. It was beautiful. It was cross country.

I ran 16:10 in the first race of the season. In my last first cross country meet. That's a PR. I took 14th place so I also received a ribbon. I made myself proud. I also made my family and coach proud. I actually did it. I don't know how. Well I do, because I ran fast. I gave my all and did my best. And I did better than I thought I could. I did something to make myself proud.